The day I got Stu Kennedy’s encouraging email, I got another email, letting me know ALGORITHM had been rejected from Cannes. I had really high hopes that Cannes could be a launching point for the movie, as it had been for so many other movies I admire. But, that didn’t happen.
The strange thing was, I wasn’t the least bit upset by that. The reason was, even if I had gotten into Cannes, there were two rather large problems. Getting to, and staying in Cannes for a week costs about $5,000, which I don’t have. Problem two was that Stu needs five weeks to finish the score. Cannes is in four weeks. Either Stu would be rushed and make music that might be less than he’s capable of, or ALGORITHM would screen without the full soundtrack. The third possibility is that I would have had to withdraw the movie and not screen at Cannes.
Thus, being rejected was actually a good thing.
* * *
I have a few pieces of gear that I haven’t really used and that I won’t be using in the future. I’m going to have to sell them because I don’t have any money left. And, when I say I don’t have any money, I’m not saying, I have some that I’m reserving for X. I’m broke.
Neil, ALGORITHM’s Head of Communications, has been procrastinating. I totally understand that. He’s had a hard time, being unemployed for a while. He’s depressed, and its hard to work at our full capability when we’re depressed.
One of the things I like to do is give people opportunities to thrive, when, by outward appearances, they may not otherwise be qualified. Chris Panzera was an example of that. Based purely on his acting resume, he wasn’t qualified to play a lead role. Further more, he was reluctant, unsure if he was good enough. Of course, he was by far the best choice for Will, and he gave an amazing performance, as I knew he would.
I feel Neil is like that. He needs the chance to thrive.
Here’s the problem, Neil’s got to pay rent. He’s got to eat. The way the world works now, those things cost money. If I’m going to ask him to do work, I have to make sure he’s going to be able to do work, and not stress out about paying rent or eating… or whatever. He’s got to have a clear head. I have to pay Neil.
I don’t have the money to pay Neil. I have to borrow it from my wife. I have to borrow it from her, from money she had set aside for ALGORITHM’s promotion.
My wife and I argued about this last night. It didn’t go well. I’m not right in arguing with her. But, it hurt. It felt like she didn’t believe in me. It’s not easy being a house-husband and an artist, in a society where, despite Women’s Liberation, men are still thought to be the bread winners. There’s a social cost I pay for this choice. That’s part of the package. That’s part of the cost of being an artist. It’s a cost I’m willing to pay.
In the midst of all the really stupid things I said to my wife during the argument, I did say one wise thing. I said, “I can’t worry about what’s going to happen in August when I’ve got so much to worry about today.” I’m not saying I haven’t got a plan. I have one. It’s just kinda fuzzy until the present demands it materialize in a more solid way. Then, it does. That’s how this whole project has worked.
Sometimes, living by faith that intensely, faith in myself, faith that things will work out, faith that my perspective of reality has some connection with the way things really are, it’s scary. It’s stressful. It causes arguments. And, it’s the only way I know how to live.